Sonny- No apology necessary, but I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I hope to be able to meet you soon, as your blogs have continued to be a tremendous blessing to me. I now believe that the Lord will give me the platform that He sees fit, and I need to focus on the man that is ministering from the platform. I want to make sure that I am walking humble and contrite before God. The “platform” may be a pulpit or a bedside as someone is dying. I am starting to see that both of these are important to the Kingdom, and cherished in the eyes of the King.

Transparency is something that has come hard for me due to insecurities, but I am tired of hurting in solitude while I have brothers and sisters that are feeling much of the same pain.

I want everyone to know how much I appreciate each of your journeys. You all have a vital place in the Kingdom and I cherish each of your ministries. Thanks for all the love and prayers.

Again, we haven’t yet met but I am praying for you. I see, from the outside, a young man that loves the Lord and just maybe, from your own confession, let selfishness take you astray for a season. That will get to the best of us. Even in those ministries that seem “successful” by worldly standards, there are many failures. Just look at all the exposed sins, fallen preachers, divorces etc that are surfacing. And for every one that surfaces, there are probably another three or four still hidden.

I thank God that He has brought you back to the realization that it is about Him and not us. I hope that I have not overstepped any boundaries in the personal department but I admire your transparency in the comment above. You will go far in service to the Kingdom with this current level of transparency, commitment and love you are displaying. It just may not look like it in the worlds eyes. But thankfully we only have to be concerned with what He sees.

Again, didn’t mean to overstep here but I was moved by your honesty and it will be beneficial to all that read it.

Love you brother.

Thanks so much for sharing with us where you are on the journey. As you well know, we draw strength from one another by being open and honest about what we are going through. There are numerous things which you mentioned that could be discussed (and some of these we’ll continue discussing by phone or in person). Let me say here that your encouragement for us to be content (or satisfied) with God’s love and presence stands out to me.

I think this highlights the importance of surrounding ourselves with brothers and sisters of the faith family through whom God extends to us his gracious encouragement. The community of faith offers a ministry of presence (or should) which allows us to “be with Jesus” and Jesus to “be with us” in a very tangible way. This is why developing meaningful relationships within the body of Christ is essential.

Also, your comments remind us all of the importance of keeping a Kingdom perspective concerning what salvation is all about. As you mentioned, simply maintaining a performance based lifestyle is devoid of life and vitality. Following Christ, side by side with other sisters and brothers, is no doubt about living as the family of God – those who seek contentment in loving God and others with all that we are.

Blessings to you, Sylvia, Trevan and Samuel.

This is such an important post brother. I want to take time and share a little bit about my story, which you are very familiar with, as you have been a great source of encouragement for me.

It seems like my entire life in “ministry” has been one disappointment after another. I can tell stories about working with Pastors that would shock you, but for the sake of protecting the parties involved I will not divulge that information. I will just share my most recent ministry endeavor and the struggle that has gone on inside of me.

Last March I moved back home to Jasper, Alabama to plant a church. While this has been a very formational experience, and God did bless us with the ability to build lasting relationships with people, the plant by “church growth” standards was a total failure. We no longer are in the church plant and I am working as a hospice chaplain, which is the silver lining in this story. (see my blog “Dying to Live” @ http://www.jasondaughdrill.com )

The emotions that I have experienced over the last year have been overwhelming. You know how us Pentecostal folk are! “My promised land is just over this hilltop!” This was the thought I would always take into every trial… until the latter half of 2008. For the first time in my life I felt like a TOTAL failure, and that I had no hope. Before, I always felt this was a part of my story and we were on our way. All of a sudden I felt like I was finished.

So, what kept me in it? I did go to school and rack up some huge student loan bills for a theological education. At times I felt I needed to stay in because this is the field in which I could get the best job. I still loved Jesus, but I was through with “ministry” (I know it doesn’t make sense, but bear with me.). All the while I kept smiling and talking the church lingo (I didn’t want to burn bridges).

The loss of hope turned to suicidal thoughts, with only the love for my wife and children to really keep me locked in to life. Crazy for a guy that always comes across as loving life to have these thoughts, but inside I was already dying.

I kept up with the game and tried to start Seminary as a latch ditched effort to feel like I was becoming a “somebody,” but that soon gave way to the reality of papers being due with no time to write them. The outlet soon became another source of stress, and the downward spiral continued.

All the while I was looking at my friends that went into normal careers, and how when they were buying houses I was moving my family into my parents house. So, at this point I am spiraling out of control and I can tell something is about to happen. And to think all of this began with dreams of doing great things for God.

So, knowing the condition I had declined to, what changed things? I don’t know that it is totally and forever changed. I still have times where I get down in the dumps, but something the Lord spoke to me in prayer forever changed me. One night I was praying and the LORD told me to “quit focusing on a vision for what I do, and focus on a vision of who I am”. The problem is all my dreams were wrapped up in my performance and selfish ambitions. When I started finding my satisfaction in just pleasing God, even if no one sees me, things began changing.

I fear the church is portraying a wrong image of “success” in ministry. We only give place to the “successful” ministries in which the ministers are on the edge of being worshiped as gods themselves. So, we have young ministers that ignore the advice of their own local pastor because they are looking to be like the man (or woman) with the nice suit on TV. We have small churches that make great sacrifices in the name of the kingdom, but this is ignored as ministries spend millions of dollars on advertising themselves.

I still do not claim to have it all together, but I am beginning to see how selfish my dreams were . I am sure many have not had this problem, but finally my contentment is found in a life that is pleasing to the Lord that I love so dearly. Whereas, in the past, my discontentment was raging in the reality of unfulfilled dreams and I often partook in the coveting of ministries that were successfully building their own kingdom.

To sum things up (sorry about the rant), I will always be empty if my dreams are performance based by the worlds standards. The only place I can find contentment is in knowing that I am doing what I should be doing, and that my heavenly Father smiles when He thinks about my life.

Thanks for taking the time to read this rant. I don’t even know if this was close to the topic, but I needed to say all of this. Thanks for giving me a safe place to say (type) it!

Connie – Thanks so much for your comments. It’s true that failed expectations can be dangerous. Your insights regarding proper perspective concerning others is helpful. Thanks.

Sonny – Thanks brother for the response. Your insights definitely have a practical aspect, which is necessary – proper perspective concerning God. It reminds me how Asaph lost perspective according to his Psalm (73). When he lost perspective concerning the end of the wicked and the end of the righteous, he said that “my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had nearly slipped. For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked” (vv. 2-3; ESV). In v. 17, upon entrance in the sanctuary of God, Asaph said “then I discerned their [the wicked] end.”

A vision of the Father reaching out as I stood ready to leap into the pit of doom and grabbing me and keeping me from that fatal plunge disrupt the rhythm of the waves that were crashing all around me.

A realization that not only did He keep me from that fatal fall but He also trusts me enough to present me with a mission that has other souls as the bounty.

The conclusion that at the end of all the twists and turns in the dark trail that encompass this reality in which I am attempting to fulfill my mission is a light so bright and beautiful that all the darkness will forever be dispelled and I will finally attain eternal rest in the presence of my Father.

I know you want us to share practical methods of how we overcome these thoughts of quitting but these are all it takes for me. Remembering that God loved me enough to save me from hell, literally, and that He needs me to complete the mission He has given me so others can also be snatched from that same pit, and mostly, I think, is the fact that what awaits us all is so much better in relation to these dark times we are in that all is worth it.

Perseverance is easy if you truly realize that what is to come is so much better than what it is we have to endure. Hang on, it will get better.

And that was not directed towards you but at anyone at this juncture.

Love you all

Something (however small) changes in our lives every single day. I have learned a very valuable lesson over the years. When I have a task at hand I must remember……… “My Inner Peace is in direct proportion with my expectations of others”. If I expect someone else to do as I want, or react to my efforts as I want; I am often setting myself up for disappointment. I just do my best at whatever it is and know that that is all I can do. Whatever the outcome, God will give me the strength to handle it.

I think I may have gotten off on one of my A.D.D. Rabbit Trails, but I have enjoyed the post.

Peace, Love and Blessings to you.

But, that decision is not easy nor does it make my life any less difficult at the moment.